How to Build a Healthy Gratitude Practice Without Toxic Positivity
- Lauren Veazey, MA LPCC
- 3 minutes ago
- 7 min read
Gratitude has become a modern wellness staple—from TikTok challenges to journaling prompts to workplace wellness programs. And while noticing what’s good in your life can absolutely support your mental health, many women find that attempts at practicing gratitude leave them feeling invalidated, pressured to feel better when they just don't, or even ashamed.
You're not broken or ungrateful if you’ve ever tried writing a gratitude list, looked back at that list of “good things,” and thought:
“Why doesn’t this make me feel any better?”
“I have so much… so what’s wrong with me?”
“I shouldn’t feel sad when I’m this lucky.”
That incongruent feeling isn’t failure—it’s a sign you're likely bumping up against toxic positivity—the belief that you should stay upbeat no matter what.
In this blog, we’ll break down the difference between toxic positivity and authentic gratitude so you can learn how to create a grounding, compassionate approach to gratitude that honors your emotional reality and genuinely supports your mental health.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the cultural pressure to only focus on the positive aspects of your life, even when that focus requires you to ignore pain, grief, exhaustion, anger, anxiety, or trauma.
It’s the “good vibes only” mindset that makes it seem like negative emotions are signs of failure or weakness rather than normal, healthy human experiences.
Toxic positivity often sounds like:
“Look on the bright side.”
“At least you have ____.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“Just stay positive!”
These messages may be well-intentioned, but they create emotional disconnect. When we deny our feelings in an attempt to be grateful, we send ourselves the message: You shouldn’t feel what you feel.
Many of us have unintentionally engaged in gratitude exercises that skip the part where we get to be honest about how we actually feel. But when we jump straight to “What are you grateful for?” without acknowledging what’s heavy, toxic positivity can take over and become a tool for avoidance.
Authentic gratitude—the kind backed by research—does not erase your difficult emotions. Instead, it connects you to moments of goodness without demanding that the hard stuff disappear. It invites and makes room for the complexity of your life.
You can be thankful and overwhelmed.
You can appreciate what you have and struggle with depression.
You can feel grief and notice a moment of softness in your day.
Again, an authentic gratitude practice doesn’t remove or ask you to ignore these contradictions—it helps you live inside them. And that’s what makes it powerful.
How to Build a Healthy Gratitude Practice Without Toxic Positivity
Below are six steps to develop a healthy gratitude practice that feels grounding, sustainable, and emotionally honest.
1. Start With What’s Real (Not What’s Positive)
Before trying to feel grateful, check in with what’s actually happening in your life.
Try asking yourself:
What emotions are present for me right now?
What’s been hard today?
Where am I noticing stress or tension?
What part of me feels tender or overwhelmed?
This moment of truth-telling does two things:
It validates your emotional experience—something many women find difficult to do.
It lowers the pressure to force gratitude when you're not ready.
From a mental health perspective, this step allows both hemispheres of your emotional experience—the pain and the peace—to exist at once. Gratitude is not meant to replace your reality, but to sit gently next to it.
2. Set an Intention (One That Isn’t “Feel Happy”)
A gratitude practice rooted in pressure will likely feel hollow. Setting a gentle, compassionate intention shifts the focus from performance to presence.
Intention ideas:
“I will notice moments of relief and comfort.”
“I will acknowledge both the hard and the hopeful.”
“I will reconnect with myself instead of rushing through my days.”
“I will practice being present inside my actual life.”
This shift makes your gratitude practice feel less like a fix and more like a form of care.
3. Get Specific—Like, Really Specific
Writing down vague or broad gratitude lists can feel flat—for example:
"I’m grateful for my family."
"I’m grateful for my home."
"I’m grateful for my health.”
It doesn’t mean you’re not genuinely grateful for these things! It just means your brain needs more detail to connect emotionally.
Getting specific—noticing the moment, the gesture, or the feeling you’re grateful for — also helps you be present and mindful, fully experiencing the gratitude as it happens or while reflecting on it later.
That awareness is what makes the practice truly effective and meaningful—and it’s recursive, meaning the more you notice and savor these moments, the easier it becomes to spot them in the future.
Each act of mindful gratitude trains your brain to recognize and appreciate both small and big sources of meaning, creating a positive feedback loop that deepens your sense of connection, presence, and emotional balance over time.
For example:
Instead of “I’m grateful for my family,” try “I’m grateful for the way my sister laughed with me when I was feeling down today.”
Instead of “I’m grateful for my home,” try “I’m grateful for the warm sunlight hitting the living room floor this morning.”
Instead of “I’m grateful for my health,” try “I’m grateful that my legs carried me through a long walk outside and I felt the breeze on my face.”
Specificity engages your senses, your memories, and your emotional world. It brings gratitude to life.
(By the way this works for hard feelings too—specificity can help you understand what’s going on underneath your sadness, stress, or heaviness. Emotional clarity is a powerful form of self-support.)
4. When Positivity Feels Impossible, Aim for Neutral
There will be days when pure gratitude feels out of reach—and that’s okay. On those days, go for simple, neutral observations that don’t require emotional effort.
Examples of neutral gratitude:
The weight of a cozy blanket.
The rhythm of your own breathing.
A text you had the energy to respond to.
The fact that you got out of bed.
Finishing a difficult workday.
A quiet moment in your car before walking inside.
Neutral awareness keeps your practice grounded when life feels heavy. It also protects you from the guilt that can arise when gratitude feels forced or fake.
5. Treat Your Gratitude Practice as a Learning Process, Not a Personality Makeover
Many of us hope to shift from a “glass half empty” mindset to a “glass half full” perspective, or to feel more upbeat, positive, and appreciative. Gratitude can support that shift—but it doesn’t ask you to become someone else. Instead, it’s about bringing more presence and thankfulness into your life while staying authentically you.
You don’t need to become a gratitude guru overnight—or ever. Focus on gently noticing and appreciating the moments that matter to you, in a way that feels true to who you are.
Start small and give yourself permission to explore:
Let go of expectations for instant results
Notice what feels natural and what feels forced
Pay attention to what helps you feel grounded, emotionally connected, and present
This approach lets you invite more appreciation and presence into your life without pressure or perfectionism. Gratitude isn’t a performance or a personality makeover—it’s a practice that grows over time, helping you notice what’s meaningful while remaining true to yourself.
Try These Mini Gratitude Exercises
Notice the Small Stuff
Pause during your day and name one small thing you appreciated:“ I’m grateful for the warm cup of tea in my hands.”
No need for grand or “perfect” moments—small, concrete experiences count.
Anchor to the Present
Take 30 seconds to notice your surroundings and your feelings. Ask: “What am I noticing right now that brings a sense of ease or connection?”
This trains your mind to see gratitude in the present moment rather than trying to manufacture it.
Connect With How You Feel
Write or say aloud one gratitude statement that ties to an emotion: “I’m grateful for my friend’s encouragement because it made me feel seen.”
Linking gratitude to real feelings helps you stay authentic.
Reflect on Growth, Not Perfection
Notice progress, effort, or persistence instead of only outcomes: “I’m grateful I handled a difficult conversation with patience today.”
This allows you to celebrate yourself in ways that are meaningful to you, not what society says you “should” feel.
Mix in Neutral or Everyday Moments
Some days, just observe neutral or ordinary things: “I’m grateful my favorite chair is comfortable.”
These small acknowledgments train your brain to see value without forcing positivity.
Build Gratitude Into Your Daily Habits
Stack your gratitude practice onto an existing habit to make it stick:
As you brush your teeth, silently list three things you’re grateful for.
Every time you walk upstairs, take a moment to notice something positive around you.
When you wake up in the morning, think of one thing that makes you feel grounded or hopeful.
By pairing gratitude with routines you already do, it becomes a natural, effortless habit. Over time, these small, mindful moments build a lasting sense of presence, appreciation, and emotional awareness.
6. Reach Out for Support When Gratitude Reveals Something Deeper
Sometimes, the moment you try to notice what’s “good,” the hard stuff becomes even louder—loneliness, grief, resentment, depression, trauma, burnout.
A gratitude practice may bring these feelings to the surface because you’re finally slowing down enough to hear them.
If this happens, it’s a sign you might need support.
A therapist can help you explore:
Why gratitude feels hard
What emotions need more space
How self-blame shows up
How to work with shame instead of against it
How to build emotional skills that feel compassionate, not punishing
You deserve a space where your emotions are not minimized but understood.
If You Need Support, We’re Here
At Her Time Therapy, we help women build emotional habits that honor their full humanity—not just the “positive” parts.
If gratitude feels confusing, pressured, or emotionally overwhelming, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Call/Text (303) 900-8225 | info@hertimetherapy.com | www.hertimetherapy.com
About the Author
Lauren Veazey, MA, LPCC, NCC, is a Licensed Professional Counseling Candidate at Her Time Therapy, PLLC, a group therapy practice specializing in teletherapy for women. With a particular passion for working with the perinatal and postpartum population, busy/overwhelmed women, and those experiencing grief, she believes in the healing power of therapy for women to love themselves, trust themselves, and know themselves.
*Disclaimer: This blog does not provide medical advice and the information contained herein is for informational purposes only. This blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a licensed health provider before undertaking a new treatment or health care regimen.
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