You Know This is Not the Life You Want — So Why Can’t You Do What It Takes to Change It?

Why Women Get Stuck (and How to Finally Make a Move)

Have you ever found yourself thinking something like the following?

“I know what I need to do — but I just can’t seem to do it.” 

“I know exactly how I want my life to look, but every time I try to start, I freeze up.” 

“I keep making plans to change things, but nothing actually changes.”

If this sounds familiar, you are far from alone — and you’re certainly not lazy, unmotivated, or broken. Many women come to therapy feeling deeply frustrated and ashamed for feeling stuck.

You might wonder if you just don’t have enough self-discipline or mental toughness to build the life you want — whether that’s leaving a toxic relationship, setting a boundary with a family member, applying for a better job, finishing your degree, or simply caring for your body and mind in ways that feel nurturing.

It can be heartbreaking when you can see what needs to change — you can name it, write it down, maybe even plan it step by step — but your mind and body just won’t do it.

So why does this happen? And more importantly, how can you start to break free?

The Lie You’ve Been Sold: It’s Not About Laziness or Lack of Grit

First, let’s be crystal clear: it’s not about you being “lazy.” It’s not because you “lack discipline” or aren’t trying hard enough.

In fact, our culture — and specifically, the patriarchal systems we live in — thrive by selling women this exact lie: If you’re unhappy, overwhelmed, stuck, or burned out, it’s because you’re not working hard enough. If you just tried harder, sacrificed more, hustled longer, organized better, or woke up earlier, then you’d finally “deserve” rest, freedom, or fulfillment.

This myth is especially damaging for women who also navigate racial, cultural, or financial barriers that layer extra weight on their shoulders every single day. These messages don’t come out of nowhere — they are deeply baked into a system that expects women to be “human givers” (Held, 2006): caretakers, peacemakers, unpaid laborers, emotional shock absorbers. And if you fail at these roles? If you dare to want more for yourself? The world quickly tells you the problem must be you.

It’s not. And here’s why women get stuck.

The Science of Stuckness: What’s Actually Happening

There is nothing lazy about you — but your body and brain are trying to protect you. Here’s how we know this, from decades of research and what we see every day in therapy.

1️⃣ Learned Helplessness: When Trying Feels Pointless

In the 1960s, psychologist Martin Seligman (1972) discovered something called learned helplessness. In his studies, animals exposed to repeated, uncontrollable stress eventually stopped trying to escape — even when escape was possible. Their brains learned, “My effort doesn’t change anything, so why try?”

Humans do the same thing. When you live through repeated stress or injustice — especially as a woman, especially as a person of color, especially if you’ve faced poverty, discrimination, or trauma — your nervous system starts to believe: “Nothing I do makes a difference.”

This isn’t laziness. It’s a survival response that literally wires itself into your brain’s expectation system (Seligman, 1972).

2️⃣ The Brain’s Freeze Response

Let’s talk biology. When you face danger, your nervous system has three ancient options: fight, flight, or freeze. If fighting back or running away feels too risky, your brain will immobilize you — it’s the safest option to avoid more harm (Van der Kolk, 2014).

For many women, especially those who’ve survived trauma, abuse, or oppressive environments, freezing becomes the default. Even if the “danger” now is just the risk of failing, disappointing someone, or stepping outside an old role, your body responds like it’s protecting you from real harm.

So when you sit down to take action — to write the application, send the email, or have the hard conversation — your mind goes blank, your chest tightens, or you find yourself scrolling your phone for hours instead.

This is not laziness. This is your nervous system saying: “Stay still — it’s safer.” (Van der Kolk, 2014).

3️⃣ Chronic Stress Changes the Brain

Here’s another piece: your brain’s executive function — the part that helps you plan, focus, and stick to goals — is run by your prefrontal cortex. Studies show that chronic stress and trauma actually weaken this part of the brain, making it harder to plan, organize, and follow through (Arnsten, 2009).

So when life is stacked against you — constant caretaking, financial pressure, racism, sexism, microaggressions — it’s not just exhausting emotionally. It physically depletes the brain areas you need to “do the thing.”

4️⃣ Self-Control Isn’t Infinite

Finally, research shows that self-control — what we often call “grit” or “mental toughness” — works like a muscle. It gets depleted with use (Muraven & Baumeister, 2000).

When you spend your days giving emotional labor to family, coworkers, kids, or partners, there’s often not much left for yourself. Patriarchy counts on this. It expects you to give everything away, then blames you for not having enough left to pour into your own dreams.

So What Does This Mean for You?

If you’ve been stuck, here’s what you need to know:

✅ You are not lazy. 

✅ You are not failing because you “lack discipline.” 

✅ You are surviving — in a system that profits off your exhaustion. 

✅ Change is possible — but you don’t need to shame or punish yourself into it.

The Hard Truth: It Is Work — But Not the Kind You Think

Let’s be honest. Building the life you want is hard work. You are going to do things you don’t feel like doing to build the life you want. There’s no way around it. But the work isn’t about forcing yourself to hustle harder in the same old ways.

The real work is:

• Unlearning the lie that your worth comes from giving yourself away (especially in service to others).

• Rewiring your nervous system to feel safe enough to act, even when fear whispers “don’t.”

• Reclaiming your right to rest and your right to take up space.

• Taking brave, tiny steps — over and over — that prove to your body that change is possible and safe.

  
  

And you don’t have to do it alone.

How to Start Unfreezing: Small Steps, Safe Enough

Here’s what this can look like in practice:

✔️ Name the Fear

Ask yourself: “If I did this thing I say I want, what’s the worst thing that could happen?” Often, what holds us back is the fear that if we try and fail — or try and succeed — something bad will happen. Knowing the fear is the first step to loosening its grip.

✔️ Make the Step Smaller — Then Smaller Again

What’s the smallest, safest possible action you could take? Not the whole goal — just the tiniest piece.

For example:

• Instead of “apply for five jobs,” try “open my laptop for five minutes.”

• Instead of “set a huge boundary with my mother,” try “write down what I wish I could say.”

When it feels so small it’s almost silly, it’s probably the right size.

✔️ Notice Your Body

When you think about taking that tiny step, where do you feel it in your body? Does your chest tighten? Do your shoulders lock? Place a hand there. Breathe. Remind yourself: “I’m safe right now.”

✔️Move Your Body — Literally

Here’s one more step that can make all the difference: start moving your body. I know — you’ve probably heard this a million times. But hear me out: exercise is not just about weight or fitness goals — it’s actually one of the best ways to practice doing hard things on purpose.

When you exercise — even just five minutes a day — you’re training your brain and body to push through discomfort and finish anyway. You feel the burn, the resistance, the “I don’t wanna” — and then you finish and notice how good it feels on the other side.

It’s like practicing grit and resilience in a safe, controlled way. And the best part? That same muscle you build — the I can do hard things even when I don’t feel like it muscle — spills over into other parts of your life: your boundaries, your goals, your confidence.

And it does not have to be big. Start with five minutes a day — a stretch, a walk, a few squats in your living room. Then maybe 10 minutes. Then 20. You are building evidence that you can do things that feel hard now but feel amazing later.

At Her Time Therapy, we believe so deeply in the power of movement for mental health that we’re now offering online certified personal training services alongside therapy — so you can build both your emotional strength and your physical strength with the same supportive, safe approach. Because you deserve to feel strong in every way.

✔️ Celebrate Tiny Wins

Your brain learns from evidence. Every small action you take teaches your nervous system that you can move — and that it’s okay to keep going.

✔️ Get Support

You do not have to do this alone. Therapy is not about “fixing” you — it’s about walking beside you while you unlearn old survival patterns, process your fear, and practice taking new kinds of risks in a safe, supported way.

How Therapy Helps

At Her Time Therapy, we work with women who know exactly what they want — and feel trapped in the gap between knowing and doing. We understand that gap is not about moral failure or lack of willpower. It’s about trauma, systems that drain you, parts of you trying to protect you from harm, and a nervous system that sometimes needs help feeling safe enough to try.

In therapy, you can learn to:

• Understand and name your protective freeze or shutdown responses.

• Gently untangle the roots of learned helplessness.

• Challenge old messages from patriarchy and oppression that keep you small.

• Break big dreams into brave, tiny actions.

• Celebrate your steps, no matter how small.

Change is possiblhttp://www.hertimetherapy.come. You do not need to shame yourself into it. You can learn to move forward with compassion, softness, and steady support.

Ready to Take Your First Small Step?

If you’re ready to stop blaming yourself and start unfreezing — safely and slowly — we’re here to help.

You don’t need to be more disciplined. You don’t need to be tougher. You need to feel safe enough to move — one small brave step at a time.

 Learn more about our therapists and book your free consultation here.

Call/Text (720) 255-1667 | info@hertimetherapy.com | www.hertimetherapy.com

Want to Go Deeper? Here’s What to Read

If you’re feeling stuck and want to keep unpacking this idea — why your brain freezes, how trauma and oppression keep you tired, and how you can build real, sustainable change — books can be such a powerful companion to therapy.

Below are some carefully chosen recommendations for clients wanting practical hope and context, and for therapists or supervisees who want to deepen their skills in supporting women who feel frozen or helpless.

These books are clear, empowering, and speak directly to what it means to be a woman trying to reclaim her life in a world that profits from her exhaustion.

✅ Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle — Emily Nagoski & Amelia Nagoski 

✅ Untamed — Glennon Doyle 

✅ The Body Keeps the Score — Bessel van der Kolk 

✅ Set Boundaries, Find Peace — Nedra Glover Tawwab 

✅ Radical Acceptance — Tara Brach 

✅ What Happened to You? — Oprah Winfrey & Dr. Bruce Perry 

✅ More Than a Body — Lexie Kite & Lindsay Kite

About the Author  

Meagan Clark, MA LPC NCC BC-TMH, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder of Her Time Therapy, PLLC, specializing in teletherapy for women. Meagan earned her MA in School and Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Adams State University. She is a Board Certified Telemental Health Provider and Nationally Certified Counselor. Specializing in trauma, relationship issues, anxiety, and grief, Meagan also supports cancer patients and caregivers struggling with compassion fatigue. She believes in empowering women to navigate oppression and increase resilience.

Disclaimer: This blog does not provide medical advice; the information contained herein is for informational purposes only. Always seek the advice of a licensed health provider before starting a new treatment regimen.

Affiliate Disclosure: This post may contain affiliate links that Her Time Therapy, LLC earns a commission from when you make a purchase. As an Amazon Associate and Associate of Bookshop.org, we earn from qualifying purchases. We only recommend products we've used ourselves and would recommend to clients for their well-being.

References

Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410–422. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2648

Held, V. (2006). The Ethics of Care: Personal, Political, and Global. Oxford University Press.

Muraven, M., & Baumeister, R. F. (2000). Self-regulation and depletion of limited resources: Does self-control resemble a muscle? Psychological Bulletin, 126(2), 247–259. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.126.2.247

Seligman, M. E. P. (1972). Learned helplessness. Annual Review of Medicine, 23, 407–412. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.me.23.020172.002203

Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.