The Benefits of Letting Go of the O! Why Keeping Orgasms as the Main Focus is Ruining Your Sex Life

Part 2 of the Taboo Series (see Part 1 here!)

Orgasms are the most sought after experience when it comes to sex. There are thousands of catchy articles about how to find your "O" in women’s magazines and we can now hear all about it in podcasts and vlogs. I am here to tell you that orgasms aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. 

Don’t get me wrong, an orgasm feels amazing and floods your body with all sorts of yummy chemicals. What I want to debunk is that the orgasm is the goal of sex and the only way to enjoy yourself.

What is an Orgasm?

An orgasm at its basic physiological definition is the contracting of the muscles in the pelvic floor. Along with the contractions come the flooding of chemicals from the brain. Chemicals such as:

• Dopamine. This is our happy, feel-good neurotransmitter and our body releases it to reward us. It’s a way of motivating us to do things that we find pleasurable.

• Serotonin. Another neurotransmitter that helps to lower anxiety and create the relaxed, contented feeling we have after sex.

• Oxytocin. Sometimes called the “love hormone,” oxytocin is released by the hypothalamus and its main purpose is to help with bonding. It also decreases levels of stress and anxiety. (More on this hormone later!)

• Endorphins. This pain reducing neurotransmitter soothes the central nervous system. It also contributes to that sleepy feeling you get after sex.

These are not the only hormones, chemicals, or neurotransmitters that our brains are releasing during sexual activity. Check out this interview with Tom Sherman, a neuroendocrinologist and professor in Georgetown’s School of Medicine for more!

But, Erin, that all sounds amazing. Why can’t I have that!? 

You can! Let’s talk about how.

Shifting Priorities

Foreplay and intimate moments build sexual tension, they’re opportunities to show compassion and care for another’s body, and it literally turns on our brains, releasing those same chemicals I mentioned earlier (For a nerdy deep dive check out this study on the Neuroanatomy of Human Sexual Behavior).

However, it has also become associated as a chore within intimate relationships. We see this play out dysfunctionally in a lot of heterosexual relationships where the woman is not immediately ready for penetration by her partner. And penetration is the point, right? Right?!

Penetration has been sold as the gold-standard definition of sex because it leads to procreation. Making babies keeps the patriarchy and organized religion happy but leaves women hanging. 

In a large US sample with adults, heterosexual women were the least likely to report they usually or always orgasmed when sexually intimate (65%) similar to bisexual women (66%). This is in contrast with orgasmic experiences during partnered sexual activities reported by lesbian women (86%), gay men (89%), or heterosexual men (95%).

Understanding that penetrative sex is less likely to give a woman an orgasm is an important step in letting go of this expectation. The expectation that orgasm happens through one physical act, maybe two if they pay attention to the clitoris, adds layers of frustration, guilt, and shame to sexual experiences. 

Is there something wrong with me? My body isn’t good enough. They won’t love/like me if I can’t do this.

These emotional and mental pressures only increase the likelihood of not having an orgasm. A cyclical process interrupting the intimacy and pleasure that does occur when sharing our bodies with others. When our brain is busy feeling bad about our body not performing (to a patriarchal standard) it will struggle to release all those yummy chemicals we mentioned earlier! 

Sex without the Orgasm

The practice of reimagining sex and intimacy starts with the following steps:

Step 1: Broaden your definition of sex.

Step 2: Let go of the goal that you have to have an orgasm.

Step 3: Have fun, experiment, let go, and embrace the pleasure you do have!

Redefining sex to include any intimate behaviors opens up more possibilities for pleasure!

If holding hands, making out, or cuddling are sex, then they become part of foreplay. Remember that asking for consent is also a tool of foreplay. 

As part of redefining sex, take time to understand what your sexual needs, wants, and desires are for yourself. 

Needs are the nonnegotiables of your sexual experiences—the must-haves or the absolutely-nots. For example, a need might be lube every time (I don’t like shoulds, but lube is a should for everyone, no matter your age or level of “wetness” because lube makes sex better!), and another need might be no ear licking because that’s a turn-off. 

Wants are the nice-to-haves that can change with compromise. You may want all the lights off but you agree to a lamp on. Another example might be you want your partner to talk sexy to you and they feel shy so you compromise by putting on some erotic audio (check out Audio Desires or Dipsea).

Desires are the fantasies we may keep to ourselves or haven’t had the chance to share yet. For some, they may feel shame about what they desire and hide it because of fear of judgment or that there is something “wrong” with them. There are a lot of healthy and accepting spaces for all sorts of desires and it can feel like they are out of reach when you are first exploring. Trust me when I say that you are not alone in your desires and you can explore them safely, free of judgment!

When you release the requirement that sex must include an orgasm you free yourself up to richer, more present experiences of pleasure and intimacy. This release can often be the step needed to begin having orgasm because they are no longer the sole focus. It takes time to undo the years of sexual habits, internal shame, and societal expectations placed on women so be graceful and kind to yourself as you begin to let go of the O.

From Awareness to Empowerment

Need support to get started? Our sex positive, feminist therapists at Her Time Therapy can support you as you navigate your sexual health and wellness.

We recognize that your sexual health may be influenced by experiences with violence and abuse, and you can expect a trauma-informed approach when working with a therapist from Her Time Therapy.

Contact us to get matched with a therapist who can guide you through practical strategies for improving your sexual wellbeing. Reach out for a free consultation today!

Call/Text (303) 900-8225 | info@hertimetherapy.com | www.hertimetherapy.com

Erin Brandt, is currently pursuing her Master's in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and is a supervised practicum student here at Her Time Therapy, LLC, a group therapy practice specializing in teletherapy for women. She brings 20 years of experience as a sex educator providing a unique ability to support women in areas like intimacy, sexual identity and orientation, communication, and discovering authentic desires. 

Disclaimer: This blog does not provide medical advice; the information contained herein is for informational purposes only. Always seek the advice of a licensed health provider before starting a new treatment regimen.

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