How to Use Consent as Foreplay In Your Relationship

Erin Brandt
Sep 14
5 min read

Part 1 of the Taboo Series

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Consent, although it has always existed as an option in relationships, has emerged in the last decade as a must have in relationships. Given new urgency by Tarana Burke in 2006, the conversation around consent exploded on the global stage in 2017 when the #metoo movement went viral in response to survivors of sexual violence speaking up.

As society has moved forward from this seminal moment, consent has, for some, become a sticking point in their intimate and sexual lives. The conversations and resources are reactionary and tied closely to the epidemic of sexual violence.

In this post we will bring consent into your bedroom in a positive and proactive manner to enhance your shared moments.

What is Consent?

Consent is more than a yes or a no. It is the work of being vulnerable and trusting in our actions. Consent is the foundational work of communication.

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Imagine we are building a house. The foundation we are laying is made of empathy.

Our walls are made of respect and compassion.

The roof symbolizes the enthusiastic yes and the kind no expressions of consent.

Now, let’s walk through this house we’re building and take a closer look at what each part represents.

Empathy

Empathy is extending our understanding of how someone may be feeling. We may not have experience with the same thing but we can understand what it means to feel sad, scared, mad, or frustrated.

Respect and Compassion

Respect is not just for others but for ourselves as well. Kind words, tone of voice, listening, and patience are all parts of respect. Compassion is our ability to deeply care for someone else.

Enthusiastic Yes

When we ask for consent to touch someone or share space with someone, most folx have little to no experience with how to answer. Responses may include “Sure,” “I guess,” or “Ok.”

I want to encourage a clear and enthusiastic, “Yes!” instead. I know it feels awkward but the more you practice the easier it will be. It will also start to feel good because you will mean it.

Kind No

The other answer, what seems to be much harder for most people, is “No.”

We hedge, we question whether we can say no, and we are afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. You will find the practice of enthusiastic yes much easier than the practice of saying no, and arguably, learning to say no is more important.

What can help with saying no, especially in intimate relationships, is the response from the receiver of the no. When someone shares a "no" with us our response is everything! Since most folx view no as a bad word, we never learned how to respond kindly and without taking it personally.

Practice replying with “Thank you for sharing your no.” It has a dual benefit—the receiver of the no, by saying “thank you” removes the feeling of rejection that often comes from hearing no and the person who said no is validated with kindness for saying no.

Build Your House of Consent

Bringing all these skills together builds our house of consent! This is a great activity to do in any relationship.

Draw a house (or download our template) and as you are labeling the sections talk about what each concept means to you.

What is Foreplay?

Foreplay is the fun part! Foreplay is building sexual tension, it’s an opportunity to show compassion and care for another’s body, and it literally turns on our brains (read more about the Neuroanatomy of Human Sexual Behavior).

However, it has also become associated as a chore within intimate relationships. We see this play out dysfunctionally in a lot of heterosexual relationships where the woman is not immediately ready for penetration by her partner.

I will be talking more about the physiology of sex in a future post about orgasms (stay tuned to the Taboo Series!).

Introducing consent as foreplay addresses both the practice of consent in intimate relationships, increasing communication, and reclaiming foreplay as a positive and healthy part of sexual interactions.

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Steps for Using Consent as Foreplay

There are two ways to bring consent into the bedroom: the table-between method and the ongoing foreplay method.

The Table-Between Method

The table-between method creates a clothed and intentional opportunity to talk about consent. Discussing sexual behaviors with a table between you can be incredibly arousing.

The goals of this method:

Communication: Talk about the sexual behaviors you want to ask consent for hours before you touch.
Discovery: Engage in bigger conversations about what types of behaviors you are interested in.
Repetition: Practice asking for consent, again, when the table is no longer there.

Ongoing Foreplay

Ongoing foreplay is where you clearly ask for what you want to do in that moment or in the near future and get consent. Rather than a larger conversation about consent together, you dive into using consent to elicit turn-on. Here's how ongoing foreplay looks:

Think about the things you want to do with your partner(s), write them down if you need to.
Ask permission before and during each activity.
You can be as explicit in your ask as you want:
- I want to nibble your _______ until you are writhing. May I do that?
- I need to lick your _____. May I do that?
- May I touch___?
- May I touch kiss___?
- May I put my _______?
- Do you want me to ____?
- Is it ok if ______?
- I love your ____ and I want to _____ it. Are you as into that as I am?

Remember to be compassionate and respectful to yourself in the process of practicing consent. Asking for what you desire, receiving and giving “no’s,” and enthusiastically saying, “Yes,” are hard work.

This work is also pushing back against patriarchal values and harmful social norms. Find the pleasure in your practice!

Claiming Your Pleasure, Claiming Your Power

If you’re interested in exploring this topic further, we invite you to sign up for our group Unlearning Shame and Embracing Pleasure: A Women’s Sex and Intimacy Support Group. This group will explore sexual pleasure including the physiological and emotional benefits, while also addressing social, cultural, and systemic shame.

Participants will have space and support to learn about the functions of the sexual body, and confront any negative feelings, experiences, or information relating to pleasure and intimacy. Each session of the 8-week group will help you name your pleasures and empower you to ask for what you want in your relationships.

Is a group setting not right for you but need support on your journey? Our sex positive, feminist therapists at Her Time Therapy can support you as you navigate your sexual health and wellness.

We also recognize that your sexual health may be influenced by experiences with violence and abuse, and you can expect a trauma-informed approach when working with a therapist from Her Time Therapy. Contact us to get matched with a therapist who can guide you through practical strategies for improving your sexual wellbeing. Reach out for a free consultation today!

Call/Text (720) 255-1667 | info@hertimetherapy.com | www.hertimetherapy.com