In the hustle and bustle of our busy lives, sexual health is something that often gets neglected, leaving us feeling dissatisfied, uninspired, and frustrated. Many people—especially women—feel disconnected from eroticism while also longing for a more pleasurable sex life. If you can relate, read on to learn what may be standing in the way of your sexual satisfaction—and what you can do about it.
To begin this conversation, we have to start by exploring the sexual norms that influence the broader cultural experience and expectations of sex. Case in point: purity culture! Whether you were raised in a religious environment or a more agnostic one, this phenomenon has likely impacted you in some way.
The sexual norms of the western world were born out of puritan belief systems, and while many people, religious or otherwise, don’t externally ascribe to such rigid ideas about sex anymore, these norms continue to be perpetuated by deeply internalized purity culture beliefs.
To make matters worse, sex education in the U.S. has been woefully unevolved, leaving many of us ill-equipped to embrace sexual wellness in our own lives.
Maybe this topic brings to mind the humorous but all-too-relatable health class scene from Mean Girls when Coach Carr tries to instill fear into the students by saying, “Don’t have sex because you’ll get pregnant and die,” right before instructing everyone to grab some condoms before leaving class for the day—yikes!
This alarmist, fear-mongering approach to sex ed is slowly beginning to shift across the US, but for many over the age of 30, this shift began long after our high school days were over. It’s no wonder then that sexual health remains a mystery in many ways and even an outright source of shame. This hinders our ability to tap into erotic desire, and significantly diminishes the pleasure and connectedness we have the potential to derive from sexual experiences.
But our bodies are meant to experience pleasure, and it’s time to reclaim erotic desire and the right to feel good in our bodies!
What is Purity Culture?
Before we go any further, let's ground ourselves in a clear definition of what constitutes purity culture. Here is a succinct summary of this concept from sex educator Erica Smith, creator of the Purity Culture Dropout Program:
"Purity culture itself is a form of coercion and manipulation. It lies to people about sex and gate keeps important, lifesaving information in order to control people’s sexual behavior. It stigmatizes all expressions of sexuality that don’t fit into a narrowly accepted definition of Christian heterosexual patriarchal married sexuality.”
Additionally, religious trauma expert and psychotherapist Dr. Laura Anderson has this to say about her own experiences with the long lasting impact purity culture had on her life even after leaving high control religion behind, a clear warning of just how damaging these beliefs are:
"Those messages from fundamentalism and purity culture didn’t go away simply because I left purity culture, fundamentalism, or church. Sex did not become for me when I decided I didn’t need to wait until marriage to kiss… or do anything else. In my head I knew that things changed, but my body hadn’t caught on to the message yet.”
At face value, this is obviously extremely harmful and a tool for perpetuating violence against women, but it may be eye opening to recognize just how pervasive purity culture is in mainstream western culture. You might even be saying to yourself, “Well, I didn’t grow up Christian, so this doesn’t apply to me.” Not so!
Although we often associate purity culture with high control religion, the reality is that many of our existing sexual norms were shaped by puritanical beliefs. Whether we’re talking about slut shaming as a result of the double standards for men’s sexual conquests and women’s exploration of pleasure, or the pressure to marry and procreate, our cultural beliefs about sex are steeped in purity culture—not to mention the erasure of sexual experiences that don’t center heterosexuality and monogamy.
Purity culture has tangible implications in the harm we see perpetuated against women.
This belief system places sexual power in the hands of cisgendered men who have historically wielded this power against people of other genders through sexual violence. Such violence has disproportionately impacted women of color and trans women, and the inclusion of their voices is paramount for abolishing purity culture from our collective self-concept. This is important work for creating a nonviolent future where we all experience the safety necessary to feel deep, embodied pleasure.
Maybe you’re beginning to see some of your own story reflected back to you as you consider how you’ve been personally impacted by these harmful sexual stigmas. This can be upsetting to recognize within ourselves, but it’s an important step in reclaiming agency over our erotic lives.
Dispelling Sex Myths and Embracing Sexual Wellness
An important step in connecting to erotic desire is dispelling inaccurate and harmful myths about sex. To do this, it can help to first identify what unhelpful ideas about sex you’ve internalized. Here are a few examples that may sound familiar:
Sex only means penetration
Men want to have sex more than women do
If you’re aroused, you shouldn’t need extra lubrication
Sex is less enjoyable with condoms
All women orgasm from vaginal penetration alone
Now, let’s consider how these myths widen the "orgasm gap" and reduce sexual pleasure, namely for women. The orgasm gap is a term to describe how women orgasm far less frequently than their male sexual partners. Why might this be happening? Well, this brings us back to the last myth listed above that all women orgasm from vaginal penetration alone—which we know is simply not true!
As to where this myth came from and why it seeps into the sexual lives of women, look no further than the quintessential sex scene from just about any movie or TV show: a straight couple is having sex in the missionary position—perhaps on top of a bear skin rug!—and the woman spontaneously orgasms after her male partner thrusts into her a few times. Sound familiar? Considering this inaccurate, oversimplified depiction of sex paired with the harmful impacts of purity culture, it’s no wonder that women’s sexual pleasure isn’t receiving the attention it deserves.
Additionally, popular culture conveniently leaves out the sexual experiences of people who are queer, nonbinary, trans, non-monogamous, disabled, kinky, older or in larger bodies.
This leaves many feeling alone in navigating what pleasure can feel like for them and even feeling like the way they experience the erotic is wrong. It’s also important to note that these conversations often exclude the experiences of people who are asexual by ignoring their existence entirely or wrongly assuming being asexual means someone doesn’t want to cultivate their own experience of love, sensuality and eroticism that doesn’t center sexual experiences.
All this invalidation and silencing of our experiences can make it feel impossible to talk about sex which is an integral piece of sexual health! One of my favorite resources for reclaiming the ability to discuss sex with partners is STARS, a helpful acronym for remembering important topics to cover before, during and after engaging in sex with others:
Consider trying out the STARS talk to start a conversation about sexual wellness for your next partnered sexual experience!
Rewriting the Sexual Narrative to Center your Pleasure
The next step in reclaiming eroticism is to create a new storyline for what sexual pleasure looks like for you. You can do this by using tools from Narrative Therapy which, according to Psychology Today, is comprised of the following core aspects:
The deconstruction of problematic and dominant storylines or narratives
Breaking the narrative into smaller and more manageable chunks
Rewriting the script of the problematic and dominant storylines
Broadening your view and moving toward healthier storylines (this is also called the unique outcomes technique, which may help us better understand our experiences and emotions)
What is true for one person may not be true for another person
Externalizing the problem because you are not your problem
A healthy narrative will also help us make meaning and see purpose
Before you begin to unravel your sexual self-concept in an effort to create a new narrative about sexuality that centers pleasure and eroticism, consider this excerpt from adrienne maree brown’s "Sex Ed, A Poem," for inspiration:
“touch yourself early and often
learn your body before you share your body
use mirrors to learn how beautiful you are
let yes come from every part of you before you share you…
your pleasure will grow with you, never say never
whether voracious or sated, you are whole, unbroken
your orgasms are medicine and magic, use them well
be a lifelong lover to yourself, let others join you
always, always: celebrate your miraculous body”
Another potential source of inspiration for your narrative exploration is the powerful work
of Audre Lorde, The Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic As Power, which explores why it’s so critical to reclaim our eroticism not only to feel good in our bodies but also to step into our power, something that our racist, patriarchal society has locked away in us to keep women from realizing our wisdom, strength, and vitality apart from men and the constraints of sex devoid of creativity, passion, and true freedom.
Now, let’s get back to using Narrative Therapy to rewrite your erotic storyline. Start to imagine what you want your erotic life to look like, and use the following prompts to begin journaling about a future where you’re free from purity culture, sexual myths and slut shaming, and instead empowered to enjoy sex in whatever ways feel most aligned and pleasurable to you:
What purity culture beliefs have you internalized that are holding you back from tapping into pleasure?
What do eroticism, sexual pleasure, and intimacy mean to you?
What fantasies and desires do you want to explore but haven’t felt free to enjoy?
What words or ideas do you use to describe your erotic world?
If you could wave a magic wand and feel free from purity culture and harmful sexual norms, what would your sex life look like? How would it be different, better, and more expansive than it is today?
When do you feel most alive and sexy in your body?
Entering the Age of Pleasure
In addition to beginning the challenging but rewarding work of letting go of old, unhelpful ideas about sex and purity culture in favor of more inclusive and accurate sexual health education, you now have some Narrative Therapy prompts to keep this conversation going within the pages of your journal and hopefully with your friends and lovers.
You can take it a step further by truly embodying what pleasure and eroticism means to you. Maybe light some candles, enjoy a long, warm bath, or turn on some sexy music (hello, The Age of Pleasure by Janelle Monae!) and move your body in whatever ways feel most sensual and enlivening for you.
May this new chapter you’re writing be the beginning of an expansive and euphoric future where you focus less on following prescribed sexual norms and more on feeling good in your body however that looks for YOU!
Not sure where to start? Our sex positive, feminist therapists at Her Time Therapy can support you as you navigate your sexual health and wellness.
If you’re interested in exploring this topic further, we invite you to contact us to get matched with a therapist who can guide you through practical strategies for improving your sexual wellbeing. We also recognize that your sexual health may be influenced by experiences with violence and abuse, and you can expect a trauma-informed approach when working with a therapist from Her Time Therapy. We honor all of your story and want to support you in feeling safe in your body. Reach out for a free consultation today!
Call/Text (720) 255-1667 | info@hertimetherapy.com | www.hertimetherapy.com
Lesley Fulton (she/her), is a Clinical Mental Health Graduate Student Intern offering affordable counseling services to Her Time Therapy Clients under the supervision of Julie Noyes, MA LPC NCC and Adams State University professors. Lesley is passionate about helping clients with trauma, LGBTQIA+ identity, attachment issues, codependence, chronic illness, and disordered eating/body image.
*Disclaimer: This blog does not provide medical advice and the information contained herein is for informational purposes only. This blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a licensed health provider before undertaking a new treatment or health care regimen.
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