How to Ask for What You Desire: Expanding Your Comfort With Sex
(Part 3 of the Taboo Series)
You know that feeling—you want something in bed, and the words just won't come out? Maybe you laugh it off, change the subject, or hope your partner magically figures it out. You are not broken, and you are definitely not alone.
In Part 1 of the Taboo Series, we talked about using consent as foreplay. In Part 2, we let go of the orgasm as the goal of sex. This post builds on both: what happens once you know you're allowed to ask, and you've made peace with the outcome but the words still feel stuck?
This Discomfort Shows Up in a Lot of Places. It Doesn't Have to Mean Anything Is Wrong With You
Struggling to voice your sexual desires can show up alongside anxiety, low self-esteem, or a history of sexual trauma. Sometimes it's tangled up with sexual dysfunction, like difficulty reaching orgasm or low libido.
You don't need a diagnosis to struggle with this! Plenty of folx with no clinical history at all freeze up the second a conversation turns toward what they actually want sexually. It's less a symptom of something being "wrong" and more a skill most of us were never taught.
Why This Is So Hard for So Many of Us
Purity Culture Left Its Fingerprints
If you grew up around messaging that framed sexual desire—especially female sexual desire—as shameful, dangerous, or "not something good girls think about," that message doesn't just disappear once you're an adult in a relationship. It quietly rewires what feels safe or acceptable to say out loud.
Nobody Modeled This for Us
Most of us never watched a parent, mentor, or sex-ed teacher demonstrate what it looks like to calmly say, "I'd love it if you touched me here." If we were lucky, we learned about consent, contraceptives, and STI prevention. We rarely (read: never) learned the actual language of desire.
Fear of Rejection (or of Being "Too Much")
Asking for what you want means risking a no. It also means risking being told you're asking for too much or you’re too demanding. Both fears can keep you silent even when your body is saying yes.
The Research Backs This Up
This isn't just anecdotal. A recent meta-analysis of nearly 40,000 people found that couples who communicate more openly and comfortably about sex consistently report higher relationship and sexual satisfaction—communication quality mattered more than almost any other factor researchers measured.¹ In other words, this skill isn't a nice-to-have. It's foundational.
A Handful of Ways to Build This Skill
Start With Yourself First
Before you can ask a partner for anything, it helps to know what you actually want. Try writing an unedited "yes, please" list—no judgment, no audience, just you and a notebook naming what turns you on. Break the list into three columns:
Needs | Wants | Desires |
Your needs are the non-negotiables such as consent, STI protection, and aftercare. Your wants are the nice-to-haves like kissing, cuddles, certain positions that feel oh-so-good, or whatever else makes your sexual experiences feel good. The desires are your bucket list, the things you’ve been thinking about but not saying out loud. Some of your needs and wants may show up on your desires list. This will help you move them where the need to be, raising awareness of what is a must versus what is a bonus.
Creating these understandings allows you to begin finding ways to share them with your sexual partners.
Borrow Language Instead of Inventing It From Scratch
You don't have to be a poet. Simple, direct phrases work:
"I'd really like it if you ____."
"Can we try ____ tonight?"
"That felt good! Can we do more of that?"
Practicing these phrases out loud, even alone in your car, makes them far less awkward when it counts.
Use the Table-Between Method
Talk about desire while fully clothed, with literal or figurative distance between you and your partner—over coffee, on a walk, in a text thread. Removing the pressure of the moment makes it easier to build the muscle before you need it in the bedroom (or other room!).
Practice Receiving, Not Just Asking
Half of this skill is what happens when your partner shares their desire with you. Responding with curiosity ("tell me more about that") instead of surprise or judgment builds the kind of safety that makes asking easier for both of you next time.
If your partner says no to one of your requests say, “Thank you for sharing your no.” Remember from our house of consent hearing and receiving a no is as important as saying it ourselves!
Get Support If You're Stuck
Sometimes this pattern runs deeper than a communication tweak—especially if shame, trauma, or anxiety are tangled up in it. That's real work, and it's not something you have to untangle alone.
One Small Step You Can Take Today
Pick one low-stakes desire—not the big vulnerable one, just something small and low-pressure—and say it out loud to your partner this week. "I'd like the lights dimmer" counts. "I want to try that new position" counts. The goal isn't the perfect ask. It's proving to yourself that your voice doesn't break the relationship when you use it.
Ready to Feel More Comfortable in Your Own Desire?
Begin Sex Therapy online at Her Time Therapy (Now Accepting New Clients)
Our sex-positive, feminist therapists at Her Time Therapy specialize in helping women build the language, confidence, and safety to ask for what they want—in the bedroom and beyond.
Schedule a FREE consultation to see if we're a good fit.
Get matched with a therapist who understands trauma-informed sexual health.
Start building the vocabulary and confidence to voice your desires with a partner.
If you're ready to go deeper, our group Unlearning Shame and Embracing Pleasure: A Women's Sex and Intimacy Support Group spends real time on exactly this—naming desires, unlearning shame, and practicing the words out loud in a supportive space.
Call/Text (303) 900-8225 | info@hertimetherapy.com
About the Author
Erin Brandt is currently pursuing her Master's in Clinical Mental Health Counseling, and is a supervised intern here at Her Time Therapy, PLLC, a group therapy practice specializing in teletherapy for women.
She brings 20 years of experience as a sex educator providing a unique ability to support women in areas like intimacy, sexual identity and orientation, communication, and discovering authentic desires.
Erin loves to write (all em—dashes are my own), read all the smut, and dream of sandy beaches and ocean waves. As a long-term partner and a mom, she understands the care it takes to “do it all” while finding joy and balance.
Disclaimer: This blog does not provide medical advice and the information contained herein is for informational purposes only. This blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a licensed health provider before undertaking a new treatment or health care regimen.
Sources
[1] Mallory, A. B. (2022). Dimensions of couples' sexual communication, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 36(3), 358–371. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000946
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