What happens in a relationship when healthy feelings of attachment and affection transform into obsessive and uncontrollable impulses? What causes some individuals to develop an insatiable need for love? And how do societal, cultural, and family norms contribute to the development and perpetuation of these dysfunctional relationship dynamics?
Researchers have labeled the psychiatric syndrome where individuals repetitively and uncontrollably provide care and attention to their romantic partners as "pathological love." This phenomenon goes beyond typical expressions of affection into obsessive and often harmful behaviors within relationships. In this post, we'll explore the intricacies of pathological love, shedding light on its underlying causes, manifestations, and potential impacts on individuals and their relationships.
Further Defining Pathological Love
Pathological love—or "love addiction"—can be described as in the realm of impulse-control or obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and it has been shown that low self-esteem, feelings of anger or affectionate deprivation, and emotional distress can be important factors in the evolvement of a pathological love relationship.
Along the same lines, additional risk factors for developing pathological love can be associated with family structure, such as substance abuse and history of physical and/or emotional negligence during childhood; for example, if a person grew up in unpredictability or neglect, they may feel comfortable around emotional turmoil in adulthood.
So when unhealthy behavior patterns are in play, it’s common to see people selecting partners that resonate with their early trauma. This can especially be seen in self-sabotaging behavior, where a "healthy" relationship may be destroyed in exchange for a relationship that is perceived as "safe," but is actually toxic.
Unlike physical addictions, love addiction is not based on the desire for consumption of a substance but instead feelings of love. Feelings of love trigger the release of serotonin and dopamine which feeds the addictive cravings of satisfaction, pleasure, and euphoria and becomes an issue when behaviors increasingly infringe on other responsibilities and obligations.
A love addict feels the compulsive desire to pursue love because of the intensified feelings associated with the feeling. This love addiction cycle includes the compulsive need for belonging, attachment, and approval. The cycle recurs when the love addict feels abandoned or rejected. Those experiencing pathological love often go through a pattern of easily attaching to partners and then quickly detaching if feeling emotionally vulnerable or fearing abandonment.
Another way that pathological love shows up is in repetitive and uncontrolled care and attention; essentially, it's the inability to stop delivering love. And it's not just one person in the relationship that experiences love addiction: it can be both. Research has shown that this may be because a pathological lovers' union relies on the anxieties of both lovers, for they have an endless opportunity to pour love into each other.
For some, this is an attachment that both lovers depend on, as the pathological lover is addicted and possibly so is the other lover. The lack of balance between lovers justifies this outpouring of love, and eventually the pathological lover is empowered in a way that is unhealthy.
What To Do if You're Addicted to Love
What can you do then, if you are a pathological lover or in a pathological love relationship? Here are some ideas:
Appreciate your own selflessness and transcendence in love; allow yourself to accept this as a gift and ability to love. Acknowledge your gift deserves boundaries.
When you feel anxious or afraid towards your lover, listen to the narratives that your mind generates. Understand your feelings are present for a reason.
Practice mindfulness. Meditate to decrease anxiety and try to understand your needs and wants in a romantic relationship.
Seek the peace and security you need in your relationship while progressing spiritually. Invite your partner to join you on this path.
Recognize the difference between love and excessive outpouring of emotion. Emotional outpouring is an expression of anxiety. Work to understand where the anxiety is coming from, and talk to your partner about it.
Explain to your partner that your wish to understand and manage pathological love will not lead to less love, but an opportunity for both of you to explore your anxieties and strengths.
Need Help With Your Relationship?
Although there is no one-size-fits-all approach to the treatment of pathological love in
relationships, understanding the root causes of the underlying behavioral patterns is the key to breaking free of the addiction.
Her Time Therapy offers an individualized, holistic approach to therapy designed to uncover misplaced emotions and unhealthy behaviors adopted as coping mechanisms for trauma.
Call us at (720)255-1667 or email info@hertimetherapy.com to schedule your free consultation today. See what we are all about at www.hertimetherapy.com!
Kimberly Gaona is a Clinical Mental Health Graduate Student Intern offering affordable counseling services to Her Time Therapy Clients under the supervision of Meagan Clark, MA LPC NCC BC-TMH, and Adams State University professors. Kimberly is passionate about helping women who are struggling with chronic stress, cross-cultural issues, anxiety, burnout, and relationship issues.
*Disclaimer: This blog does not provide medical advice and the information contained herein is for informational purposes only. This blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a licensed health provider before undertaking a new treatment or health care regimen.Â
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